Until divorce do us part
After being together for almost 12 years and being married for almost 8 years my husband and I decided last december to get a divorce. It was a difficult decision but probably the best for both of us. When you get married your intention is to stay together in sickness and in health until death do you part. It’s a really nice sentence and intention but sometimes not possible to realize, like in our case. I am chronically ill and even had been hospitalized for a few times over the years. During these periods my husband supported me in a fantastic way by being there when I needed him. Even though he did a great job it was difficult for him to see me suffering because he felt powerless. I accepted my situation and dealt with it the best way I could, because I believe that after every down there comes an up.
My husband himself is also chronically ill. He is suffering from a chronic depression for almost 30 years. Because none of his treatments had the desired effect he told me a few years ago while on holidays at Fuerteventura that he didn’t want to live anymore. He was tired of everything and would like to die by euthanasia. In Holland it’s possible under a few circumstances like when you’re living a psychological unbearable life and there’s no treatment left. I was shocked when I heard it because I didn’t know that he was already in that state of mind. Like many men he is not a talker. Because he could still be treated euthanasia was not an option at this point, so he tried to continue his life.
In 2015 the depression became worse due to him overworking himself as a handyman and also because he completely renovated our newly bought apartment. He was in such a bad state that he could only watch television and browse the internet. From that moment on he started to reject everything from which he thought it was a burden to him. One of these things was our marriage. He told me that because he couldn’t take care of me anymore the marriage had become a burden to him. Even though I tried to convince him that we could go through this together and that there will be better times, he refused to change his mind.
So now we’re in the middle of a divorce. I have to admit that at this point I’m tired of fighting alone and realize that I’ve been too long in this difficult situation. As a good wife I tried to keep on going in sickness and in health without even admitting that at some point the situation was taking it’s toll on me. At first I didn’t want the divorce, but now that I’m aware of how tired I am of the whole situation, it’s ok with me. Because of my chronic illness I have a limited amount of energy and at the moment it’s not enough for me and my husbands difficult and energy consuming illness.
Sometimes you have to choose for your own health and luck instead of going on endlessly until there’s nothing left of you, even though your intention was to stay married in sickness and in health until death do you part. It doesn’t make you a bad person or wife, it just makes you a wise one. Some things aren’t meant to be and when you let go of them, you make room for better things to come along. With the divorce that’s exactly what I’m doing. Not just for me, but for my husband as well.
