Divorce victim or divorce survivor?

When you go through a divorce, it seems like there’s no end to it. You may feel bad, confused, mad, maybe you don’t want to see people and so on. There’s also a lot to arrange like the divorce papers, a new home, finances and in my case dealing with my depressed husband as well because my new home isn’t available until mid-March.

Now there are two things you can do:

1. You can stay in your misery and drown in it, being a victim.
2. Or you can analyze your wedding and reflect. Ask yourself:
   • What have I learned from it?
   • What have been the negative sides which I will try to do better the next time?
   • What have been the positive sides which I will continue in a next relationship?

So you can either be a victim or a survivor. It all starts with a choice. When you choose to be a victim, you will have a hard time to move on because you’re not taking responsibility for your life.

But when you choose to be a survivor, your life will get easier day by day. You will learn from the past and chances to make the same mistakes in a next relationship will be small because you’re aware of them. You won’t have troubles with your ex-husband because you will appreciate the good things he had done for you in the past and you will forgive his mistakes easier. Having done this makes you able to ‘close this chapter’ and move on to the next. It will give you peace and in time you will be able to get into a relationship again.

However I strongly advice you to be by yourself for a while to reconnect with yourself before getting into a relationship again. Because relationships are a matter of giving and taking and often this isn’t a 50-50% balance, meaning that sometimes we can even ‘lose ourselves’ when giving in too much. The best way to become yourself again is to live on your own and rediscover yourself. Questions which may help during this process are:

• What do I like to do (food, exercise, hobbies, etc.)?
• Who do I like to be with (friends, family, etc.)?
• What are my dreams/goals for the future (work, travel, etc.)?

You will find the answers to these questions by experiencing them. This may take a while, take your time for it. The better you know yourself, the better you will know what kind of boyfriend or husband you want the next time. Until that time enjoy every minute of your newly regained freedom. I know I do. Because life is too short to stay in misery, I choose to move on as quickly as possible. This doesn’t mean that I ignore the past or don’t process it, it just means that I want to start to enjoy life again as soon as possible and not to waste a day. Life is too good not to enjoy it. Even though a divorce isn’t something you wish for, you can still try to get the best out of it. By doing that you will become a better person and have a better relationship the next time with a smaller chance of divorce.

So for those going through a divorce, what choice do you make? Do you want to be a divorce victim or a divorce survivor? The choice is up to you.